


Sparks Nevada: Marshal on Mars in "Lava Let Die!"

by Annakie



Category: Sparks Nevada Marshal on Mars, The Thrilling Adventure Hour
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Screenplay/Script Format, Suspense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-07
Updated: 2013-11-07
Packaged: 2017-12-31 17:50:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1034618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annakie/pseuds/Annakie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the Surprise Event is ruined and Alloy Roy is set free, Sparks Nevada re-finds himself and Croach finds serenity.  But peace won't last for long when there's a hypercattle stampede and some old adversaries show up with a nefarious plan.  A canon-compliant story that fills in the blanks between "Station Break" and "The Robot Rogues in "Distrustified!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sparks Nevada: Marshal on Mars in "Lava Let Die!"

FOLKSY HAL

When last we left our hero, he was singing the pre-partum blues, and his baby-bound buddy had said "Sayonara!"    

Can Sparks Nevada overcome his sad-sap song and accept his baby-to-be with his fertilized friend?

Find out in tonight's thrilling adventure, "We Didn't Actually Write This!"

 

_(Interior, Marshal Station)_

 

SPARKS NEVADA

I'll just finish tidying up here.... dust out the gun closet...  shine up my badge... there!  All set to go back to marshalin'. 

 

MARSHAL STATION DOORS

Marshal Nevada, there are six new updates to my software you have neglected to install.

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Marshal Station Doors, you know I ain't about to install no new software, not after what happened to the saloon doors.

 

MARSHAL STATION DOORS

Marshal, Croach had taken over software updates in your drunken stupor. I have been upgraded four times since he returned.   Nth Multiglobal fixed the glitch that caused the Space Saloon's AI to fall in love, and since then, there have been no reported incidents with our operating system.

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Croach did that, huh?  Surprised he'd even touch anything that didn't run on his precious nanotech.

 

MARSHAL STATION DOORS 

Marshal, Felton is here to see you.

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Well, let him in, Doors. 

 _(Cocky)_ Reckon' he has a problem only the Marshal on Mars can solve.

 

MARSHAL STATION DOORS

If you say so.  _(schooooop)_

The marshal station doors are open.

 

_(Felton enters)_

 

FELTON

 MARJUN', MARJUN' HAAAAAAALP!

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Marjun?  Croach ain't here.  He up and left me high and dry.  What do you want, Felton?

 

FELTON

Oh, I was thinkin' you'da got him back by now.

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Oh yeah?  Why would I do that?  Croach done run out on me, just cause I got a little upset.

 

FELTON

You were pretty mean to him, Marshal.

 

MARSHAL STATION DOORS

You ruined his surprise event.

 

SPARKS NEVADA

All right, I don't need no lip from my doors, else I'll downgrade ya.

 

MARSHAL STATION DOORS

I do not think you know how.  You made Croach program the Digital Hologram Recorder for you last week.

 

FELTON

Croach is pregnant with your half-Marjun baby.  You gonna run out on that kid, Marshal?

 

SPARKS NEVADA

I ain't the one runnin' out- We ain't gonna talk about this.  Look, Felton, did you say you needed help?

  

FELTON

Oh, right.  Marshal, there I was in my house,

and I was stitchin' up my space sock, on account of I got a hole in it,

which happened because one of my boots got a hole ever since them foot-eatin' aliens invaded a few weeks ago

when you was cleanin' up the planet,

when you thought you and the Red Plains Rider was having a baby,

and then you and Croach defeated the foot-eatin' aliens with that talcum powder bomb,

but not before one ate clean through my boot-

 

 SPARKS NEVADA

Yeah Felton, I remember.

 

 FELTON

So there I was, stitchin' up my sock, when I heard a noise

so I stopped stitchin' up my sock, and I went to the window

and out of the window I saw my hypercattle,

and they was runnin’ clean out the gate-

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Wait a second, Felton, are you saying your hypercattle are stampeding?

 

FELTON

So I kept lookin' out the window, calling for halp,

cause I thought Croach woulda heard me like he usually does

but he did not

cause you done run him off

And my distress signal is broke

since I'm having a lot of work done on my kitchen

So I ran all the way here

and when I was running

I saw the Widow Johnson's hypercattle stampeding too

And here I am,

tellin' you about the hypercattle,

instead of Croach like I meant to

cause you done drove Croach away

Marshal, Haaaaaaalp!

 

SPARKS NEVADA

All right, first of all, I _did not_ run Croach off-

 

FELTON / MARSHAL STATION DOORS

You kinda did.

Yes you did.

-really mean to him

-ruined his surprise event

-the father of your child

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Did not.  Second of all, in which direction did the hypercattle run, Felton?

 

FELTON

They ran that-a-way!  _(FELTON points)_  

Or was it that-a-way?  _(FELTON points a different direction)_

Hey Marshal, know what would help?  If you had a tracker.

To track them.

Like Croach. 

Cause he’s a tracker.

 

SPARKS NEVADA

I can track the hypercattle just fine, thank you very much,

Figure I could use an adventure, a stampede is just the thing to stretch my legs a bit.  Felton, you go on home.  I'll round up your hypercattle and be back before you know it.

 

FELTON

Marshal, don't you think you need a deputy? Maybe call the Red Plains Rider? Or  Cactoid Jim?  Or you could go and find Croach?

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Don't need no deputy for a hypercattle rustle.  Now get!  Doors, tell Mercury to get saddled up!

 

 

_(Scene change)_

 

 FOLKSY HAL

Meanwhile, out at the Hot Lava Springs of Mars....

 

CROACH THE TRACKER

Ah yes, serenity.  I shall meditate upon the top of this volcano at the Hot Lava Springs this day, and consider ways to fufill my onus to Sparks Nevada which do not require bearing the presence of Sparks Nevada.

 

_(Pause)_

Mmm, yes.  This is serene.

Very.... serene.

 

_(Pause)_

And not boring, at all.

Serene.

 

_(A loud, bubbling noise can be heard, and then a low rumble.)_

 

CROACH

Bagropa, what is that noise?

 

_(The rumbling continues for a few more seconds)_

CROACH

_(With some distress)_ There is something rising from the Lava.   That is- it looks like Lavamen!

 

_(Two LAVAMEN enter the scene.  The LAVAMEN speak in a similarly formal manner as CROACH and other Martians, but in a higher-pitched and more gravelly voice.)_

 

LAVAMAN 1 (DAGUKNUK)

-should be any moment now. Patience, Bluknuk.  And then, using this Hypercattle Control Device, all of the humans’ hypercattle on the planet shall be ours!  And we shall sell it back to them, but at fifteen percent below market value, so they feel they are getting a fair deal!  And then we shall steal the hypercattle again!  And sell them back at only ten percent below market value!

  _(Notices CROACH_ ) What is this? Is it a Blue-Skinned G’loot?

 

LAVAMAN 2 (BLUKNUK)

What is this G’loot doing here?  There was nothing about G’loots in the plan.

 

LAVAMAN 1 (DAGUKNUK)

Well you wrote the plan, did you make a contingency for G’loots?

 

LAVAMAN 2 (BLUKNUK)

...I left my copy of the plan at home.

 

CROACH

Greetings, beings designated Lavamen.  I am designated Croach the Tracker.  Is there something you wish of me this day, or may I return to my serene meditation?

 

LAVAMAN 1 (DAGUKNUK)

_(Sniffing)_ Do you smell something?  What is that smell? Is it coming from the G’loot?

 

LAVAMAN 2 (BLUKNUK)

This G’loot smells... fertilized! 

 _(to Croach)_ Hello there G’loot, lovely day, is it not?  Say, have you been... recently fertilized?

 

CROACH

Yes, being designated Lavaman Bluknuk, I have been fertilized.  Why do you ask?

 

LAVAMAN 1 (DAGUKNUK)

_(Whispering to BLUKNUK)_ Fertilized G’loot eggs!  Do you know what those can bring in on the black market?  It will make this hypercattle job look like selling hypabyssal!

 

LAVAMAN 2 (BLUKNUK)

_(Whispering back)_ And they are delicious!

 

CROACH

_(Cautiously, but firmly)_ I can hear you.  Also, I must inform you that my ovum are not for sale. 

 

LAVAMAN 2 (BLUKNUK)

Oh no, you misunderstand G’loot.  We will not be buying your eggs, we will be taking them.

 

CROACH

You shall not.

 

LAVAMAN 1 (DAGUKNUK)

Oh we shall. 

 

CROACH

I shall be leaving now, beings designated Lavamen.  Do not try and stop me, or else I will be forced to kill you.

 

LAVAMAN 2 (BLUKNUK)

You cannot kill us, we have Nah Nohtek that is superior to your Nah Nohtek.  Also, we are impervious to lava, while you are not.

 

LAVAMAN 1 (DAGUKNUK)

And one other thing, you cannot escape, because there is a stampede of hypercattle headed this way!

 

_(A distant rumbling is heard, and soon along with it, the moos of riled-up hypercattle.)_

 

CROACH

You have erred greatly this day, beings designated Lavamen.  For many of those cattle have been designated with the mark used by the human designated Felton.

 

LAVAMAN 2 (BLUKNUK)

If you think the human Sparks Nevada will come save you, then you are wrong, G’loot.  We have read that he is very upset and is letting criminals go free.

 

LAVAMAN 1 (DAGUKNUK)

Yes, we heard that he fertilized a G’loot, and-

 

_(The Lavamen look at each other, then CROACH in horror)_

 

LAVAMEN

_(together)_ Nooooo!

 

CROACH

Yes.  Sparks Nevada fertilized my egg sacs, and I will soon-

 

_(CROACH's explanation is drown out by the hypercattle's stampede growing very near, after a moment, the sound subsides enough so that talking can commence, but does not go away completely.)_

LAVAMAN 2 (BLUKNUK)

The hypercattle are here!  It is time to enact our clever and devious plan!  Quick, Daguknuk, utilize the Hypercattle Control Device!

 

LAVAMAN 1 (DAGUKNUK)

I thought you were going to utilize the Hypercattle Control Device?

 

LAVAMAN 2 (BLUKNUK)

No, I said I would read the manual for the Hypercattle Control Device.  You said you would operate it!

 

CROACH

I fail to comprehend how that plan makes ANY sense.

 

LAVAMAN 1 (DAGUKNUK)

Silence, G’loot!  Here, Bluknuk, operate the Hypercattle Control Device and bring these hypercattle under control!

 

LAVAMAN 2 (BLUKNUK)

Well, I only just read the manual last night, and it was very late, I may have had a few drinks...

 

CROACH

Are you informing me that neither of you possess the understanding to operate the device which is at the crux of your plan for financial gain via Hypercattle theft and resale?

 

LAVAMAN 1 (DAGUKNUK)

Well, we got the cattle here, did we not?

 

LAVAMAN 2 (BLUKNUK)

That is the only part of the manual which I actually read.

 

LAVAMAN 1 (DAGUKNUK)

_(sighs)_ Just… give me the manual.

 

LAVAMAN 2 (BLUKNUK)

Yes, it is here, in my rucksack. 

 

_(Rifling through rucksack noises can be heard over the hypercattle)_

LAVAMAN 2 (BLUKNUK)

_(Muttering)_ Let us see… Mars Inquirer, Weekly Space News, Stars of Mars, Space People…

Ah, Daguknuk?  I believe I left the manual at home.

 

CROACH

This is the third most incompetent evil plan I have ever witnessed being executed.

 

 

_(The Sparks Nevada fanfare music plays.  SPARKS NEVADA enters the scene, riding MERCURY  He dismounts.)_

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Whew, riding through that hypercattle stampede was a bit hairy, but wasn’t nothin’ I couldn’t handle. 

 _(A bit coolly)_ Howdy, Croach.

 

CROACH

_(Also coolly)_ Greetings, Sparks Nevada.

 

SPARKS NEVADA

You care to explain just what you’re doin’ with these Lavamen in the middle of a hypercattle stampede?

 

CROACH

Are you implying that I am the cause of this stampede, Sparks Nevada?

 

SPARKS NEVADA

I ain’t implyin’ nothin’, just observin’.

 

CROACH

Oh, are you once again utilizing your limited visual senses to observe something other than the ground as you drag your Robot Fists along it while you display the human emotion designated “moping?”

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Moping ain’t an emotion.

 

CROACH

It is when you do it.

 

SPARKS NEVADA

All right. Just tell me what’s going on, Croach.

 

LAVAMAN 1 (DAGUKNUK)

We are the M’noop Bugrau-

 

CROACH

Which you designate Lavamen, Sparks Nevada.

 

LAVAMAN 1 (DAGUKNUK)

Yes which you designate Lavamen.  We have taken possession of your hypercattle, which we will sell back to you at a drastically discounted rate.

 

CROACH

I would not designate fifteen percent as “drastically discounted”.

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Uh huh.  And what have you got to do with this, Croach?

 

CROACH

The Lavamen believe I am their prisoner.  Also, they intend to harvest our fertilized ovum for even greater financial gain.

 

LAVAMAN 2 (BLUKNUK)

And for eating.  Have you ever had a G’loot omelet, human?   What about a frittata?  Delicious.

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Wait a minute, Croach, are you sayin’ they’re intendin’ to take your babies?

 

CROACH

OUR ovum, yes, Sparks Nevada.

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Well I reckon’ that ain’t happenin’.  What you got in the ways of weapons, Lavaman?  I don’t see no guns.

 

LAVAMAN 1 (DAGUKNUK)

We have installed a boiling device which will superheat the lava in every volcano you see around you!  One wrong move and we shall flood the entire Hot Springs area with liquid magma!  We shall survive due to our superior Nah Nohtek, and also via being impervious to lava, hence our human designation “Lavamen.”

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Right, right.  Look, I’m gonna give you one warning.  I’m itchin’ for a fight on account of not having had one in awhile, plus I need to stretch my legs before goin’ to get my guns back from Alloy Roy, not to mention bein’ extra mad that my deputy ran out on me-

 

CROACH

You were not acting as yourself, Sparks Nevada!  You made it very clear that my presence was causing you to display even more moping.  You ruined my surprise event!

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Ugh, look, Croach, just help me restrain these two so we can go get Alloy Roy.

 

CROACH

Are you saying… you have returned to yourself, Sparks Nevada?

 

SPARKS NEVADA

I’m sayin’ I’m done mopin’ about Red, and about you bein’ fertilized.   Croach, I figure you run out on me once with Red, but then you came back.  And then you left after fufillin’ your onus, but, well then you were under onus to Mercy but you still came back.  And then you were dead, but you came back from that, too.  Figure I’m sick of watchin’ you leave and come back, so I won’t count this as leavin’ if we just hurry and wrap this up so we can go stop Alloy Roy.  This was just you… trackin’ some trouble.  In advance.

 

CROACH

 And what of our ovum, Sparks Nevada?  What is your plan for them?

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Well I sure ain’t gonna let them get ate by no Lavamen, that’s for sure.  After that, well, I guess… you'll have a half-Marjun baby.  Planet’s just about all cleaned up anyway.  Might as well not waste the effort.  I mean, what else are ya gonna do?

 

CROACH

Yes.  What else ARE you going to do, Sparks Nevada?

 

SPARKS NEVADA

_(Nervously)_ I'm...  gonna be the dad to a half-Marjun baby with my Marjun pal.  Ha ha.  Yep, that’s what’s I'm gonna do. Yep.  Are you happy?

 

CROACH 

I see.  Well then I suppose I shall come with you, Sparks Nevada.

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Good, Croach.  Now, what are you two doin’, Lavamen?  What are you writing?

 

LAVAMAN 2 (BLUKNUK)

Are you kidding me?  The Mars Inquirer will pay huge spacebucks for this kind of celebrity gossip!

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Yeah, no.  You ain’t writing no one about nothin’.  You’re both going to jail as soon as we figure out how to stop this stampede.

 

CROACH

The Lavamen possess a second device, that they do not know how to use, nor do they possess the instruction manual.  The second device is controlling the hypercattle, Sparks Nevada.

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Well, “control” ain't exactly an accurate word for what’s goin’ on here.  Give me the Hypercattle Control Device, or else.

 

LAVAMAN 1 (DAGUKNUK)

Another step closer and I shall boil the oceans of hot lava beneath every volcano!  Your inferior skin-membranes will bubble and blister off!  The air will cook your lungs!  Your eyeballs will melt away and your feet will graft to your laughable shoes!

 

SPARKS NEVADA

And you’ll lose not only your hypercattle fortune but Croach and me’s egg-babies as well.

 

CROACH

Sparks Nevada, I still possess my bow, I may be able to-

 

_(There is a loud, buzzing noise)_

 

LAVAMAN 2 (BLUKNUK)

Too late!  I have pressed the button!  Prepare for your DOOM!

 

_(Pause.  Nothing but the continued rustle and mooing of hypercattle can be heard.)_

SPARKS NEVADA

Yeah uh, what's going on?  Nothing is happening.

 

CROACH

Yes, with four of my senses I detect only very mild temperature fluxuations in the lava.  Everything else is the same.  You have failed.

 

LAVAMAN 1 (DAGUKNUK)

Bluknuk, when you installed the lava-boiling device, are you sure you installed it properly?

 

LAVAMAN 2 (BLUKNUK)

Yes!  I read the manual!  Everything was done correctly!  According to my readouts, the lava has already increased in temperature by two degrees!  And in just three hours, the lava will begin to boil and it shall flood the entire plain on which the Hot Lava Springs sit-

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Wait a minute, this thing takes three hours to heat up?

 

LAVAMAN 2 (BLUKNUK)

Well, the manual said anywhere from two to four, depending on initial lava temperature.

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Right.  Annnd I’ll just lasso the two of you up… there we go.  I’ll take this contraption and turn OFF the lava boil.  Croach, you wanna figure out how to get the hypercattle under control?

 

CROACH

It appears there is a “reset hypercattle AI” button on the Hypercattle Control Device.  I will push it.

  
 _(There is a turning-down noise, then the hypercattle can be heard moving away)_

 

The hypercattle are calmed and returning home.

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Good work, buddy.  We’ll tie these two to the back of one of Felton’s cattle and collect them later.  You ready to go get Alloy Roy?  Can you track him?

 

CROACH

I am designated Croach the Tracker, of course I can track him.  Also, I checked the extranet and saw Alloy Roy posted to a list-serv his plan to heist a shipment of unobtainergon cubes from a space-train.  We can easily track him to the space-train.

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Checkin' the extranet, huh?  What, you get bored out here on your own?

 

CROACH

My people do not get "bored" Sparks Nevada.  I was... serene.  Now, may we proceed to the space-train?

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Whatever you say.  And Croach?

 

CROACH

Yes, Sparks Nevada?

 

SPARKS NEVADA

Nice to not have you back, seein’ as how you never left. 

 

FOLKSY HAL

Is this the end of Sparks Nevada?

Did our hero rejoin forces with his pregnant pal only to be torn apart again by the outlaw Alloy Roy?

Will following the list-serv only serve up some death?

Find out in our next thrilling feature, “An episode actually on the Podcast!” (Also known as  Thrilling Adventure Hour #136: The Robot Rogues in "Distrustified")

**Author's Note:**

> My sincerest thanks first of all to Ben Acker and Ben Blacker for creating Sparks Nevada, Croach the Tracker and all of the other awesomeness on the Thrilling Adventure Hour. Special thanks to Ben Acker for answering all my spelling questions. Also Marc Evan Jackson, Mark Gagliardi, Hal Lublin, Annie Savage and Craig Cackowski for playing these characters to perfection.
> 
> Also huge thanks to Ahab99, chedsy22 and miss_dapper for being the best betas a girl could hope for. This wouldn't look like it does without all of your suggestions, and pointing out my numerous mistakes. <3


End file.
